


love their touch again

by worry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, speculation based around that one screencap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: There’s a ghost in front of him. The ghost has its hand on Raphael’s shoulder – the ghost is touching him – and Raphael is too far buried to do anything but pin it up against a fence. His immediate response is monstrous, but now there are two monsters. Two monsters and a fence, and something ghastly underneath him.“Raphael,” Simon says.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based around [this screencap](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CtjNV4iVUAALxmQ.jpg) from S2's filming, which was posted to twitter a few days ago.

He has dreamed – somewhat undesirably – about sensing Simon again.

 

The Hotel still smells of him. Simon on the beds. Simon on the walls. Simon on the chairs, on the sofa arms. Simon’s ghost haunting him like a train and a platform. Simon, omnipresent, in his home.

 

It’s hell. When he was first turned, he thought that the world – the beautiful, wide world – was hell. Painful and sharp. Now: this existence – _this_ is hell. A Simonless existence is something that, before the haunting, in the Before Times, he would have sacrificed for. It’s _hell._

 

Raphael cannot escape.

 

He’s accepted it, this Hell. Endured the five stages of grief.

 

Still, something in his mind haunts him more than Simon: _betrayal._

 

He must be monstrous. Simon – the person that he Saved, the person that he thought would understand – betrayed him, which reveals the fact that underneath skin and teeth, Raphael is so monstrous that he can’t make anyone stay. He has tried his best to be warm, but he’s only cold, like a beast. Raphael is a monster and the entire world knows. He tried so hard, to keep it hidden. It’s pointless. It’s _pointless._

 

Never again.

 

He has dreamed, undesirably, of sensing Simon again.

 

At first he thinks it’s another one of these dreams – he dreams in the day now, see. He’s always gone. Always in some other mind.

 

And then someone touches him on the shoulder.

 

There’s a ghost in front of him. The ghost has its hand on Raphael’s shoulder – the ghost is _touching_ him – and Raphael is too far buried to do anything but pin it up against a fence. His immediate response is monstrous, but now there are two monsters. Two monsters and a fence, and something ghastly underneath him.

 

“Raphael,” Simon says.

 

“Why did you come back here?” he hisses. Teeth sticking right out of his mouth, grotesque. He’s _disgusting._

 

“I don’t know, I…”

 

“Go.”

 

“I’m s—“

 

“ _Go._ ”

 

“I’m _sorry,_ ” Simon coughs. “I’m so sorry. I messed up, I know. I was just trying to help Clary.”

 

“You’re an _idiot._ ”

 

“That has been established, yes.”

 

“I never want to see you again,” he tells Simon, but there's no truth to it; he wants and wants and wants. So many things. Deadly sin. He needs this, needs Simon, and to feel whole again—

 

“Okay, I get that, but listen. Raphael, listen. I never wanted to hurt you.”

 

“You freed Camille,” Raphael says monstrously. “How did you think that would make me feel? You put me in danger. You betrayed me.”

 

“Tell me how to make this better. I'll do anything.”

 

“There’s nothing you can do to make this _better._ ”

 

He releases his grip on Simon. Simon will run, and Raphael will be stuck in that place again. Simon will run and run until it all gives out, just like he did when he was first turned. Running is something that he’s good at, something that he knows.

 

Instead, Simon stays.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, because he can read the emptiness in Raphael’s mind, “until we fix things.”

 

“Have you listened to a word I’ve said? This can’t be fixed.”

 

“You can hold me here, against this fence. You can tie me up, torture me, whatever. I don’t care. I won’t leave you.”

 

Raphael shudders. Simon thinks that he’s so monstrous that he would torture and tie up and do despicable things. It’s just so _painful;_ Simon, and that beast inside of him, and loss of control. Always. Cycle repeating. He never does anything but hold back and break.

 

“Why are you so set on this?” he asks. “I never thought…”

 

“I don’t know,” Simon admits. “The vampires are my family, too, Raphael. That’s all I’m sure of.”

 

Simon thinks that he can call Raphael _family,_ thinks that he can just say these empty things without thinking about consequences. The truth of it all is that Simon is beautiful. The truth of it all is that Raphael still cannot control himself.

 

He pins Simon against the fence again and _kisses_ him. It’s almost like he’s never felt hunger before. He has Simon next to him, senses him, and – and Simon is kissing him _back_ like this is some kind of fantasy, something that he isn’t worthy of. It can’t be real. It just – can’t be real. He is not deserving. Simon moans softly and this is some sort of salvation for both of them.

 

He pulls away, slowly, and Raphael knows that he regrets, because they always regret.

 

The only thing that Simon says: “I didn’t know…”

 

 _I never tell,_ Raphael thinks, _because it always ends up wrong. Bad, like me._

“Are you okay?” he asks, because if he hurt Simon—

 

Simon looks like a ghost again.

 

Simon, a ghost, kisses him again, like they’re both waiting for the world to end.

 

He never thought himself capable of something like this, never thought that it could exist outside of dreams of fear, but – but it’s _happening._

It’s happening and his hell, horrible unholy hell, is ending.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is. Not good but whatever


End file.
